Yep ... the inevitable has happened ... today marks my jump from my 30's into my 40's. Why does this make me feel sad? It's not because I am getting older, hell my life is getting better with age ... sadly it's because of what I haven't had ... but there is not a lot one can do about that now, other that to make sure that my sweet babies never now what I have known.
I had intended to include some bits and pieces from some meme's & tags that I have long neglected ... but while I was fiddling around yesterday I came across something I wrote last year after reading one Kirsten had done (mind you mine could never be as well written as hers which is truly amazing please read it!). I don't tend to get to 'deep' here but for today you will have to indulge me ... I'll throw in a few photos so as not to totally bore you all!
I am ...
I am from an old white farm house, pine lined walls, louvered veranda rattling in the wind and a toilet in the ground. I’m from peppercorn trees, a dried up creek, dirt roads roads and mouse plagues.I am from the farm and wheat, black soil and wild pigs. I am from stony paddocks, caster-oil weeds & bindi-eyes in my feet. I am from acres of lush green sorghum and golden grains of wheat. I am from sheep and horses and the wind blowing through my hair. I am from a John Deer tractor, a broken down lawn mower and Holden cars. I am from ‘the shed’, greasy tools, dirty hands and the smell of diesel on my skin. I am from day’s end filth, body fatigue and dust drenched hair. I am from drought & floods and everything in-between.
I am from the land and working hard, from the son of a farmer and daughter of a drunk and what became of the unity of the two. I am from anger, and violence and depression. I am from tightly held secrets and fragmented memories. I am from “work hard and save your money”and “never trust anyone” and “DON’T YOU EVER TELL ANYONE!”. I’m from an uneducated father and a mother who never reached for the sky.I am from hypocrisy, “there is no God!” and “go pray for rain!”... I’m from mocked faith and bigoted hatred.
I am from rum balls and Russian toffee and hedgehog. I’m from pineapple pav and Coca-Cola and my Nana’s homemade tomato sauce. I am from shattered plates, black looks and food strewn on the floor.
I am from a little round Nana that smelt like food and who chased me on her knees, who picnicked with me by the creek and who I loved. I am from grandparents who would drive by our home at night to check that we were still alive.
I am from hours spent on the school bus, dusty roads, tiny schools and one best friend. I am from lies and rumors, nasty girls, isolation, wagging school, and loving boys. I am from Mum’s anger and hatred in her eyes, from lost trust. I am from fear and isolation.
I am from a hard and angry father who ruled with fists and fear. I am from belt buckles and threats and an ever present tightness in my chest. I am from a father who wanted a son but loved me all the same. I am the first child, one of four ... I could not protect them ... I left them behind.
I am from this, this is who I am, this is not what I have become ... I am me.
... On a lighter note this is the card my darling Mother-in-Law gave me ...
I hope that there will be many more anniversaries of my 21st!!! Thanks Dora! So what did I get for my birthday I hear you all asking ..... well for that you will have to check back here next week :)!
I hope you all enjoy the rest of your week!